There are times when my life just bounces along smoothly. Questions arise and I can bat them away like a self-confident badass. I know exactly what to do with every dilemma that comes up, without a moment's debate. And then there are the times when a question knocks me over and I analyze it for hours. When I can't find the answer no matter how hard I try. Nothing feels right. And this feeling drives me CRAZY! I hate not knowing the answer. So when I had a big question I was sitting with a few weeks ago, it drove me up a wall. I felt twitchy, like I had swallowed ants.
Unfortunately for me, there are times when the answer just takes time. I am working on surrendering to the questions. On not digging for the answer. Trusting in the unknown. I kinda suck at it. To do that, I have to have faith. Faith in myself. In my ability to sit with my uncertainty, and know the answer when it arrives. It requires me to be at peace with the chaos. With the swirling questions.
And there's a lot of questions. Life doesn't fit neatly into a box. It spills out everywhere. Loud. Abundant. Demanding. And sometimes, quiet and soft. Forcing me, with a gentle insistence, to sit in silence. To let the questions roll through me. I chew on them, I examine them from every angle. I desperately search for the nice tidy answer. The one that will wrap it up in a bow.
Sometimes, that answer completely evades me. Usually it's when I have a parenting question. I've been a parent for 14 years, and I am still not sure I have that gig figured out yet. And let's not even talk about marriage. Yikes.
But again, I want the answer. So I run around my head, looking for it. No luck. I check the dusty corners, I dig through a pile of memories, I even look under the box where I buried my memories of every single science class I ever took. Finally I dash around the corner and there it is, sitting quietly on the floor, waiting for me. "There you are, love" it says. "I knew you'd find me eventually". I stare into its kind and loving face. The face of a friend. It slips a note into my hand, softly kisses me on the cheek, and walks away.
I open the note, but I know what it says before I read it.
Wait. Just wait.
It'll be okay. In fact, it'll be amazing.
I am so glad you are here! Welcome to my blog. Look around and make yourself comfortable, because this is your space, too. My name is Amy, and I am no stranger to the ups and downs of life. Join me as we search for beauty and authenticity, tell our truth, and hold space for each other in the messiness of life.